The Art of Saying “No”
“Half the trouble of this life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no soon enough.”
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“No.”
It’s such a small, but incredibly powerful word. It’s one of the few words that can be understood around the world. And yet, many of us don’t use it often enough!
As we’ve discussed before, an elegantly balanced life doesn’t happen on accident. It takes intentional action on your part to create the work-life balance that you desire. This is key. Your life is your masterpiece and it’s up to you to decide what belongs and what doesn’t. Just like an artist thoughtfully considers her work, adding and subtracting, until it’s perfect. Most of us have no trouble adding. It’s the subtracting part that we struggle with.
In this post, I’m going to address three different questions around saying no:
1. Why is it so hard to say no?
2. Why should we say no?
3. How do we gracefully say no?
It is my hope that by the end of this post you will understand the importance of saying no and that you will be more confident in your ability to do so.
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Why is it so hard to say no?
In his book, “Essentialism”, Gregory McKeown highlights a few reasons why we might have a hard time saying no. First and foremost, we struggle to say no because we are unclear about what is essential. In order to get clear on the essentials we have to sit down and identify our values, goals, and priorities. In a previous post, I describe how to create a life plan. There’s even a workbook to guide you through the process. Walking through that should help you get clearer on the essentials in your life. When you know what is essential in your life, it becomes so much easier to say no (with confidence) to the nonessential.
Secondly, we say no because we are afraid of the social awkwardness that comes with saying no. We feel guilty. We don’t want to let others down. We don’t want to ruin our relationships. Maybe some of us even identify as “people pleasers.” Maintaining peace with others is admirable, but not when it comes at the expense of your own, and often even your family’s well-being. As McKeown so eloquently puts it, we can “say no and regret it for a few minutes, or we can say yes and regret it for days, weeks, months, or even years.”
Finally, as women we have an especially difficult time saying no. Sociology research suggests that this is due to the gender stereotype that women should be nurturing and agreeable. We’ve been raised with these societal expectations. There’s nothing wrong with being nurturing and agreeable. However, when we act in ways that go against this norm, such as saying no, we violate this stereotype and are often punished for it. In a study on gender stereotypes, women who said no to requests at work received worse performance evaluations, fewer recommendations for promotions, and were considered less likeable. Fears about repercussions like these, either at work or in our personal lives, make it even more difficult to say no.
Why should we say no?
In the occupational health literature, role stressors are a major source of stress for employees. These include role conflict, role overload, and role ambiguity. And although they are typically considered work stressors, I believe that taking a broader look at these stressors helps us see why we should seriously consider using the word “no” more often. When we fail to say “no” to a request, we are often saying “yes” to taking on another role. Thus, putting ourselves at risk of experiencing role stress and the negative consequences associated with that such as tension, anxiety, dissatisfaction, and decreased well-being.
Role conflict occurs when the demands from two different roles that you play interfere with one another. For example, one day right before I was scheduled to teach a course (in-person… this was before Covid), I received a phone call that my daughter was sick and needed to be picked up. So, there was conflict between my role as a mother and my role as a professor. Thankfully, I have a VERY family-friendly work-environment and was able to pick her up and then bring her to class with me. But even in class, it was very obvious that my two roles were in conflict with one another. I was trying to engage my students and explain their assignment while also entertaining my daughter by twirling her around in an office chair. Needless to say, it wasn’t the most effective class I’ve ever taught, and it did cause me some stress to be put in that situation. When we say “yes” to every opportunity or request that comes our way, we are just opening ourselves up to more role conflict as a result of having more roles that could potentially conflict with one another. I’m not suggesting that you say no to absolutely everything that comes your way but encouraging you to consider the importance of the request, whether it aligns with your values and priorities, and the extent to which it will conflict with the things you are already doing.
Role overload occurs when we feel like the responsibilities expected of us exceed our resources, such as our time and energy. We’ve all experienced this at one point or another – we said “yes” to too many things and then we start to feel stretched too thin and feel overwhelmed. When we experience role overload, we can’t really give our best effort toward anything because we’re stretching our resources so thin. Saying “no” to the nonessential roles would help us alleviate some of the constraints around our resources so that we can reduce our experienced role overload and apply those valuable resources to the roles that really matter to us.
Finally, role ambiguity is when there are vague and unclear expectations with regards to a certain role. This role stressor doesn’t relate as obviously to saying “no” as the other two do, but I still think it’s worth considering when we are approached with requests. Role ambiguity is a stressor because not knowing what it takes to be successful in a certain role can be really stressful and frustrating. How many times have you said “yes” to something without really understanding what the expectations were? How did it feel to know you were expected to perform in a certain role, but not know what exactly you were expected to do? Personally, I find it very draining. When I’ve been put in this situation, I often find myself questioning everything I do and procrastinating because I don’t know what I need to do. Not a great place to be. What we can learn from this is that when we’re asked to take on an ambiguous role, a role where it isn’t exactly clear what we would need to do to succeed, we need to seek more information so that we can give a well-informed “yes” or “no.”
How do we gracefully say no?
Saying “no” takes courage… and practice. It’s definitely not an easy thing to do.
Give yourself some space
When someone asks you to take on a new task, give yourself some space (O’Brien, 2014). Instead of making a knee-jerk reaction and immediately saying “yes”, try saying something like “Can I get back to you?” or “Let me check my calendar.” This will allow you the space you need to really evaluate the request, seek out any important information you might need about the request, and then make a well-informed decision about saying “yes” or “no.”
Ask yourself “What would I advise my best friend to do?”
Saying “no” can be so difficult and scary. One way to get yourself in the right mindset is taking the time to ask yourself “What would I advise my best friend to do?” (O’Brien, 2014). This helps you separate yourself from the situation a bit and analyze it in a way that isn’t so personal.
Say “No” without saying “No”
Some of you might feel like the word “no” is too strong. The good news is that you can say “no” without actually saying the word “no.” Try something like “I would love to, but I can’t take that on right now.” Or you could say “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I don’t have the bandwidth to do that right now.”
Sometimes the requests might come from our supervisor at work and this makes it extremely hard to saying no. In his book, McKeown suggests pointing our your current responsibilities and asking which one they would like for you to deprioritize. This is helpful because you’re not flat out saying “no” to your supervisor’s request and you’re inviting them to help you make a wise decision.
Remember that saying “No” requires trading popularity for respect
Saying “no” to someone can feel very personal. In the short-term, they may even feel like you are rejecting them. Even though saying “no” might make you less popular up front, it will lead to others respecting you and your time more in the long-term (McKeown, 2014). I have found that saying no and guarding my resources has become easier the more I practice it. I’ve also found that by doing so, I’ve communicated to those around me that my time and energy are important leading them to respect that and the requests for tasks that don’t align with my standards, boundaries, and priorities have decreased. In other words, saying “no” often has actually led to me having to say “no” less often.
I hope that this episode has been helpful for you. If it has, please head over to Instagram or Facebook and let me know! I’ve been exercising my “no” muscles for the last 10.5 years… About 3 months into our marriage I came home stressed out one day and I distinctly remember my husband looking me in the eyes and telling me that I needed to learn how to say “no.” Not because I’m lazy and don’t want to do “all the things”, but because saying “no” to the nonessentials opens up space for me to put my full effort toward the things that God has called me to do in my life. He has given me specific skills, talents, and resources and I need to use them well. Stewarding them well does not involve saying “yes” to everything.
To quote Peter Drucker “people are effective because they say no.” You will be able to create the work-life balance that you desire if you embrace the power of saying “no” to the things that don’t fit your desires for your life!
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We spend a great deal of time at work. Like Annie Dillard once said, “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” I encourage you to look around your office and see what steps you can take to add simple luxuries to your workday because in the grand scheme of things, they will add up and lead to a luxurious life!