Working Mom Guilt
“The very fact that you worry about being a good mom means that you already are one.”
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I’m currently working on a research paper focused on the work-family guilt that women experience when they transition back to work after maternity leave. As I’m spending a lot of time reading and learning about work-family guilt, I thought it’d be a lot of fun to bring y’all along for the ride. So, over the next month we will be discussing work-family guilt from a number of perspectives. In this post, I want to simply introduce the concept of work-family guilt and how it has been treated in work-family research. We will also discuss the causes and consequences of this guilt. In the next few weeks we will dig into how to cope with work-family guilt, how to engage in guilt-free self-care, and how to let go of perfectionism. It’s going to be a fun month, so buckle in… here we go!
What is work-family guilt?
Work-family guilt is a negative emotional reaction that arises due to conflicts emerging from the interaction of employment and family in parents’ lives. Put another way, work-family guilt is when we feel guilty because we are not able to successfully achieve our various responsibilities from work and home. Work-family guilt is bidirectional, meaning it can go both ways. There is work-induced guilt (when we feel guilty about working because we could be spending time with our family). And there is family-induced guilt (when we feel guilty about spending time with our families because we could be working).
When I became a mother, I suddenly experienced guilt like I’d never felt before. No matter what I was doing, I felt like I should be doing something else. I was in grad school at the time that my son was born, so when I was spending time with him, I would have this nagging feeling that I should be working on my research or coursework. On the flip side, whenever I was on campus doing that research and coursework, I would feel guilty about not being with my son. I was stuck in work-family guilt purgatory. And I’m not alone. Do a quick google search for “working mom guilt” and you get almost 50,000 results.
Due to the pandemic, many of us suddenly found ourselves working from home while also caring for and teaching our kids from home. This collision of work and family responsibilities created the perfect storm for the guilt to creep in. I’m actually home with my daughter this week because her daycare classroom is closed due to COVID-19 and I’ve found myself feeling guilty about having a tea-party with her instead of writing a research paper on work-family guilt. How crazy and ironic is that?!?
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So where does this guilt come from?
1. Gender Role Expectations:
Much of this guilt stems from unrealistic expectations placed on mothers. Despite the fact that approximately 60% of women in the U.S. work, the societal expectations for women regarding childcare and other family responsibilities have not shifted to match the reality that the majority of women are no longer staying at home. Because of this, women are expected to raise children as though they don’t work.
Wrapped up in these gender role expectations are the cultural beliefs that a mother’s time is especially important for their children’s well-being. This intensive mothering ideology places a lot of pressure on mothers to lavish large amounts of time and energy on their children.
2. Professional Expectations
Many organizations expect their employees to uphold the ideal worker norm. Basically, they want their employees to be fully committed to work, without any additional responsibilities. These expectations are communicated to employees through the organization’s culture and leadership. When these are the expectations at work, it’s no wonder that we feel guilty when we are not giving our full attention to our work.
3. Comparison
Another cause of work-family guilt is comparison. How many of you have been chugging along, doing this whole parenting thing and feeling pretty good about it only to come across another mom at the park or on social media who makes you feel completely inadequate?
Maybe you have a colleague who leaves everyday at 3pm to pick up her kids and that causes you to doubt your decision to work until 5pm and have your spouse pick them up.
Maybe you have friends who stay home and homeschool their children and that causes you to feel guilty about sending your kids to public school (or daycare) so that you can do a job that you love.
The combination of traditional female gender role expectations, professional expectations, and comparison creates a situation where mothers simply can’t win. We only have so much time and energy to go around and when we fail to meet these extreme standards, we tend to beat ourselves up and react by feeling guilty. It’s almost as though feeling guilty has become a badge that we wear as mothers. We tell ourselves “at least I’m acknowledging my shortcomings by feeling guilty about it” or “I deserve to feel this way since I failed to meet the standard.” Nothing could be further from the truth and, as you’ll see in a few minutes, there are consequences to work-family guilt that we need to take seriously.
What’s the big deal? Is feeling guilty really that bad?
Well, it’s definitely not fun to walk around feeling guilty all the time. Research has actually linked feelings of guilt to increased depression, anxiety, turnover intentions, and over committing to household responsibilities. Some studies have shown that work-family guilt can even lead to more permissive parenting behaviors, where parents try to “make up” for the time they’ve spent on work, which can be detrimental for children in the long run.
In addition to what the research says, work-family guilt can wreak havoc on your elegantly balanced life. Here in our community, we are focused on creating lives of simplicity, beauty, and joy. Going through life in a constant state of guilt is not going to cut it. Feeling guilty for not meeting unrealistic expectations just adds unnecessary complexity to your life and we don’t need that. Further, there is nothing beautiful about guilt. If anything, giving ourselves over to work-family guilt is just distracting us from the beautiful life that we have. A life where we have been blessed with children to care for and a job that we love to do. Finally, work-family guilt can (and will) suck that joy from both our work and our family lives. If we’re constantly feeling guilty about doing one thing instead of another, we aren’t truly appreciating and enjoying life in the moment. This is why we should take work-family guilt seriously. This is why we should reject those unrealistic expectations and instead define for ourselves what it means to be a good mother, a good employee, a good spouse, a good friend.
If you struggle with work-family guilt, I want to challenge you to pay attention this week to when you feel guilty. When those feelings creep in, take a moment to examine it. Why are you feeling guilty? Did you actually do something wrong? Or are you just holding yourself up to an unrealistic standard? Then remind yourself that you are doing a great job. Sure, we all have room for improvement, but that improvement doesn’t have to happen from a place of guilt and stay tuned for next week’s post where I will share practical strategies for coping with work-family guilt.
Is a better work-life balance one of your goals this year?
I’ve created a workbook just for you!
If you’re interested in creating a work-life balance characterized by simplicity, joy, and beauty, why don’t you start by checking out my Elegant Balance Workbook? In it, I help you define what work-life balance looks like for you and share some tips on creating that balance. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it – Balance doesn’t happen by accident.
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We spend a great deal of time at work. Like Annie Dillard once said, “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” I encourage you to look around your office and see what steps you can take to add simple luxuries to your workday because in the grand scheme of things, they will add up and lead to a luxurious life!