8 Strategies for Coping with Work-Family Guilt
“If comparison is the thief of joy, then mom-guilt is the thief of joyful moments.”
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Have any of you experienced a time when you decided to focus on something and then all of a sudden that thing was everywhere you looked? It happened when we purchased a new car… suddenly I noticed that same vehicle everywhere I went. Well, the same thing has been happening to me since I declared that I was going to do a podcast mini-series on work-family guilt. Seriously, you all, I notice posts about it on social media, I notice other moms talking about it at playdates, and I’ve had countless times over the last few weeks to recognize my own feelings of guilt and to work through them. In fact, if you follow me on Instagram you probably already know this, but last week my daughter was home from school all week because her classroom was closed due to COVID. Throughout that week I would feel guilty off and on about not working on my research paper (which is ironically about work-family guilt).
So, all that to say I’ve had a lot of practice over the last few weeks to employ different strategies to manage my work-family guilt and I want to share them with you today. Some of these strategies I’ve come across in my research and some of them are things that I’ve learned over that past 6 years as a mother. Last week I introduced the concept of work-family guilt, which is a negative emotional reaction that arises due to conflicts between our work and home lives. If you missed it, make sure you go and check out that episode because there I talk about what work-family guilt is, what causes it, and the consequences it can result in.
Okay, let’s jump right in!
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1. Forgive yourself
I wanted to start with this one because I believe that it is one of the most important. When you feel that familiar tug on your heart and the guilt starts to bubble up, I want you to really examine why you are feeling guilty in that moment. Maybe you yelled at your kids. Maybe you forgot to pack little Susie’s lunch. But maybe all you did was go to a job that you love. Ask yourself, “Why am I feeling guilty?” and then if you did truly mess up, forgive yourself. To forgive means to stop feeling angry or resentful toward someone for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
In the world of work-family research, we talk a lot about resources and how we need resources to successfully meet the demands of our work and family lives. When it comes to work-family guilt, our feelings of guilt often arise when we don’t have the resources available to meet all our family and work demands. If you wallow in your guilt and refuse to forgive yourself, that means that you’re spending precious resources that could be used to avoid future feelings of guilt on beating yourself up.
2. Avoid the word “should”
If you’re struggling with feelings of guilt, take a step back and examine whether you’re feeling guilty about something that you actually care about or whether your guilt is over something that you feel like you “should” be doing. For example, when my son was 3 he had his first preschool Valentine’s Day party. I sent him to school with some simple preprinted Valentines from Target. He came home that day with a bag full of homemade treats – chocolate dipped strawberries, personalized bracelet with his name on it, iced sugar cookies. Immediately, I felt like I had missed the memo that this was a Pinterest perfect preschool Valentine’s Day party. Processing this, I realized that 1) I didn’t have time to make those types of treats for a preschool party, 2) I didn’t want to make those types of treats for a preschool party, and 3) My son was perfectly happy with the basketball valentines that he gave his friend. I realized that I was feeling guilty over something that I thought I “should” be doing, not something that I needed nor wanted to do. Recognizing this allowed me to move past the guilt pretty quickly.
3. Remember your why
Remind yourself that what you are doing is important, whether that’s caring for your kids or taking care of your work. When those feelings creep in, take a moment and remind yourself why you are doing what you’re doing. You could try some statements like:
“I am working so that my kids have food in their bellies, a roof over their heads, and opportunities to pursue their dreams.”
“I am working so that my daughter knows that she can do and be anything.”
“I am working to glorify God with the skills and talents He gave me.”
“I am spending time with my kids because I value building relationships with them.”
“I am spending time with my kids because that is the most important thing right now.”
Feel free to borrow these statements or craft some of your own and then use them to remind yourself of the bigger picture!
4. Make a plan
So this strategy actually helps you prevent work-family guilt before it happens. When you take time to plan out when you are going to spend time on work and when you are going to hang out with the kids or your spouse, you take control of your schedule. Knowing that you’ve budgeted out your time appropriately will help you not to feel guilty about spending time on those activities, because you planned for it!
5. Take a look at your thoughts
Chances are that the guilt that you are feeling stems from thoughts in your head. Thoughts like “I’m not doing enough” or “I’m not a good enough mother/worker”. You might even be feeling guilty because you think someone else (e.g., your boss, kids, husband) is counting on you. In my experience, people are thinking about me and how I’m spending my time a lot less than I think they are. Examining these thoughts and reminding myself that they’re not true has helped me push past the guilt and move into more enjoyment of my different roles.
6. Let go of perfection
I know this is difficult for all you perfectionists out there, and I hope to address this in more detail in another episode. But learning how to let go of perfection can be really powerful in alleviating work-family guilt. A lot of times our guilt stems from us not living up to a standard or perfection. A standard that nobody could ever live up to. When I was in graduate school, one of my fellow students gave me the best advice. “Work hard for the 90%, but don’t kill yourself for the 100%. They’re both A’s.” This mindset got me through grad school, and I’ve carried with me in my career and my parenting.
7. Ask for help
I know. We don’t always like to ask for help. But you’ve all heard it said, “it takes a village to raise a child.” If you’re working outside the home, spending long hours away from your kids, it could not be truer. Research has shown that support from spouses, supervisors, coworkers, friends, and even paid domestic help can reduce work-family conflict. This goes back to the concept of resources. Like I said before, we need resources to meet our various work and family demands. Social support is a resource. With help and encouragement from others, we are better able to meet the demands from both work and family. When we are more successful meeting those demands, we are less likely to feel guilt. Reach out to your community, both at work and at home. Yes, it will require vulnerability and may be uncomfortable at first, but it will get easier and it’s much better than being stuck in a downward spiral of stress and guilt.
8. Unfollow those that bring you down
Have you ever heard it said that “comparison is the thief of joy”? I mentioned last week how work-family guilt can be caused by comparing ourselves to other coworkers and moms. If seeing others’ perfect Instagram feeds or Facebook posts are triggering feelings of inadequacy and guilt, unfollow them! If eating lunch with your coworkers always leaves you feeling as though you are falling behind professionally, stop going. Instead find people who inspire and encourage you, who are there to cheer you on. Being a working mom is hard enough without the pressure to live up to what everyone else is doing.
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We spend a great deal of time at work. Like Annie Dillard once said, “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” I encourage you to look around your office and see what steps you can take to add simple luxuries to your workday because in the grand scheme of things, they will add up and lead to a luxurious life!