Letting Go of Perfectionism
“Perfectionism is a delusion that can rob one of a very successful, enriching life if not careful.”
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This is the third part of a series focused on work-family guilt. You can find out more about work-family guilt and it’s causes and consequences here. Then head here to learn about some coping strategies that are helpful in managing that guilt. Enjoy!
The desire to achieve excellence in things that we pursue, such as motherhood, our careers, and our hobbies, is a beautiful thing that has resulted in some amazing accomplishments throughout history. Think of all the works of art, technological advancements, and knowledge that wouldn’t exist if someone didn’t strive for a standard of excellence. Yet sometimes this pursuit can be all-encompassing and some of us hold ourselves to ridiculously high standards that we could never meet. And when we fail to meet them? We criticize ourselves for falling short of those standards. Can you guess who these people are?
We are the perfectionists. And on the one hand, we take pride in being perfectionists. When we lead a project at work or serve as the PTA president at our children’s school we do a really great job. We have standards. We value quality. Things need to be just right and we make sure that they are. However, this striving to be perfect is exhausting; especially when things don’t go according to our plans. It drains your resources and leaves you feeling depleted, with little left in your tank to meet the demands at work and home. A few weeks ago, we discussed how not having the resources to meet all the demands that come your way leads to you being unable to meet the standards expected of you, which leaves you feeling guilty. Perfectionists are setting that standard even higher and making things more difficult for ourselves. There is nothing easy or elegant about perfectionism, if anything we are just making things harder for ourselves and that goes against everything we strive for here in the Elegant Balance community.
So, let’s discuss what the research says about perfectionism and then I’ll leave you with some practical ways to combat it.
Perfectionism is characterized by a desire for flawlessness (Harari et al., 2018). Perfectionists want to be, or at least appear to be, perfect. Psychology research tends to view perfectionism as a relatively stable personality trait and breaks perfectionism down into two dimensions: perfectionistic striving and perfectionistic concerns.
Perfectionistic striving is characterized by “setting and compulsively striving to reach excessively high standards.” It is this part of perfectionism that allows us to reach our goals and do such wonderful things like that big project at work or throwing a Pinterest-perfect birthday party for our kids. And while some research has shown that perfectionistic striving perfectionism is linked to positive outcomes like positive affect and life satisfaction, it has also been linked to negative outcomes like worry and rumination.
Perfectionistic concerns is characterized by extreme self-criticism, excessive concerns about making mistakes, and the perception that other people demand perfection. This is the dark side of perfectionism. You might be pursuing amazing things at work and home, but the minute you fail, you start the negative self-talk… “I’m not good enough”, “I’m a horrible mother”, “I can never get anything right.” Research has linked this type of perfectionism to poor mental health and psychological distress. Further, a recent meta-analysis (a study that combines the results of several studies) linked parents’ perfectionistic concerns to their children’s psychological distress.
So, what do we do about it?
We learn to practice self-compassion.
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Practicing self-compassion has been shown to reduce the detrimental effects of perfectionism. Self-compassion is when we are open and moved by our own suffering. It’s being able to show ourselves care and kindness. It’s also taking an understanding and nonjudgmental attitude toward our inadequacies and failures. Doesn’t that sound so much better than beating ourselves up and walking around day to day feeling guilty for not measuring up?
Some ways to incorporate self-compassion and fight against perfectionism:
1. Ask yourself how you would treat your best friend in this situation.
If you were hanging out with your best friend and she confessed that she’d had a really rough day and was feeling guilty about yelling at the kids that morning. How would you respond? What if she told you that she felt guilty because she had to go away for a 3-day work trip? Chances are, you would encourage her. You would tell her that she’s not a bad mom just because she got frustrated this morning; that her kids look up to her and that she’s being a good role model by diligently doing her job. Next time you feel guilty because you didn’t measure up to some ideal that you’ve set for yourself, ask yourself how you would respond if you were speaking to a friend and then speak to yourself that way.
2. Evaluate and shift your thoughts.
It’s easy for the guilt from failure to escalate into shame. We can quickly go from “I can’t do enough” to “I am not enough.” Instead of going down that path, we want to intentionally go the other direction. If you are a perfectionist and feeling guilt, take a moment to examine your thoughts. Instead of accepting “I can’t do enough” as a statement of fact (which can eventually lead to shame), remind yourself that that’s just a thought in your head (not the truth) that will soon pass.
3. Remind yourself that you are not the only one struggling.
One aspect of self-compassion is recognizing that our experience is part of the common human experience. Oh, you can’t seem to do motherhood perfectly? Neither can any other mom you see at the playground, carpool line, or birthday party. Reminding ourselves that we’re not the only ones feeling guilty about not being able to do it all can be extremely comforting.
4. Recognize work-family enrichment.
As perfectionists, we feel as though we are failing because we can’t juggle all the things. One way to combat this is to remind yourself of all the ways your work life enriches your family life (and vice versa). If it wasn’t for that paycheck, you wouldn’t be able to take your kids on that dream family vacation. Managing a household has given you amazing time-management and organization skills that you put to good use at work!
5. Externalize your perfectionist self.
Finally, you could externalize your perfectionist self. You could even give her a name. By externalizing the self-criticism and accusations of failure, you can provide some psychological distance between yourself and these thoughts. Better yet, exaggerate the way she speaks to you. Exaggerating will make her statements seem crazy and help you realize the ridiculous standards that you are holding yourself to.
Balancing work and motherhood is difficult. Perfectionism makes it even worse. Give yourself grace, lots and lots of grace. We need it, all of us do; especially in the world that we live in. And if you feel like you need professional help to manage your anxiety, guilt, or distress, seek it out. There is no shame in reaching out.
I want us to be a community of women who love ourselves fiercely and who are courageous enough to fail boldy. If you take anything away from this episode, remember this:
Every good endeavor is worthwhile even if it doesn’t turn out perfectly.
Let’s let go of perfectionism together.
Have a beautiful, joy-filled week!
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We spend a great deal of time at work. Like Annie Dillard once said, “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” I encourage you to look around your office and see what steps you can take to add simple luxuries to your workday because in the grand scheme of things, they will add up and lead to a luxurious life!