How to Practice Guilt-Free Self-Care
“Self-care is giving the world the best of you, instead of what’s left of you. ”
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This is the fourth part of a series focused on work-family guilt. You can find out more about work-family guilt and it’s causes and consequences here. Then head here to learn about some coping strategies that are helpful in managing that guilt. Finally, learn how to let go of perfectionism - a key driver of guilt - here. I hope you enjoy!
The number one excuse that I hear from other women for not making their self-care a priority is that they feel guilty about it.
What pops into your mind when I say “self-care”?
Do you envision facials, pedicures, and trips to the beach? If so, you’re not alone. There are two major myths about self-care that cause us to feel guilty about it.
Myths behind self-care:
1. Self-care is overly indulgent.
We assume that self-care is indulgent and selfish; something that requires a great deal of time and money. If you’ve listened to my previous podcasts, you know that work-family research emphasizes the importance of resources. Resources, such as time, energy, and money, are vital in creating a balanced life. We need resources to meet all the demands that come our way. In fact, in Episode 21, we learned that work-family guilt occurs because we simply don’t have the resources available to meet our work and/or family demands. When we are in this situation – already feeling guilty because we can’t live up to our own or others’ expectations for us at work and at home – it is easy to put our self-care on the back burner. Resources are limited and it feels selfish to utilize them on ourselves.
2. Self-care is a zero-sum game.
Along the same lines, we tend to feel guilty about self-care because we are assuming that self-care is a zero-sum game. You may think that taking the time to engage in self-care results in a loss for those around you (e.g., spouse, children, supervisor, coworkers, friends), but that is not usually the case. Yes, some self-care practices might pull you away from caring for others but they will leave you rejuvenated and with more energy and better mental/physical health than you had before; which are resources that can then be used to meet those other demands. Further, as we will discuss later in this podcast, self-care doesn’t have to be complicated. It doesn’t take away from anyone at home or work for you to brush your teeth, take your vitamins, or eat a healthy snack!
The truth about self-care:
Self-care can be defined as activities or practices that we engage in on a regular basis to reduce stress, maintain, and enhance our health and well-being. Researchers first became interested in self-care due to the recognition that individuals in helping professions needed to care for themselves in addition to caring for others. As hinted at in the definition I just shared, there are two primary aims of self-care. The first aim of self-care is to limit negative outcomes such as stress or burnout. This is where the majority of academic research has focused on. The second aim of self-care is to enhance positive outcomes such as resilience, happiness, or overall well-being. This is the type of self-care that you see more prevalently featured in mainstream media.
In a review of the self-care literature, Lisa Butler and colleagues provided a really helpful way to think about self-care. Specifically, they suggested that self-care should consider our entire being and accordingly broke self-care down into six domains: physical, professional, relational, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. This means that self-care is necessarily more than just going to get a massage or a facial, and that is great news!
How to cultivate a daily self-care practice:
In preparation for this week’s podcast, I was reflecting on my own self-care activities and why I started doing them in the first place. If you know me (or have been listening to this show for long) you know that I love the French culture. In reflecting, I realized that my self-care practices began when I started studying French women and their approach to motherhood.
In my opinion, there is no better model for guilt-free self-care than the French woman. She takes exquisite care of herself without apology. Yet, her approach to self-care is very laissez-faire (literally translates to “let it be”); meaning that she doesn’t strive for perfection in her self-care practices. She approaches self-care more as a way of living than something to check off her to-do list. Thinking about self-care this way feels lighter; easier; more elegant.
In reading more about French women’s approach to self-care, I was struck by the fact that one of the main reasons they prioritize taking care of themselves is because they were taught to do so by their mothers. If that doesn’t provide motivation to take better care of ourselves without guilt, I don’t know what will.
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So how do you get there? How do we get to the point where self-care is just a natural part of our daily lives? We create a self-care plan.
Step 1: Specify the self-care practices that you currently do and the ones you want to incorporate into your life.
Taking exquisite care of ourselves requires that we consider our whole person. Think back to those six domains of self-care I mentioned earlier: physical, professional, relational, emotional, psychological, and spiritual. Think of these as six buckets that you need to fill in order to be the best version of you. Now before you get overwhelmed, let me share some of the activities that might fit into each bucket.
Physical
- This type of self-care refers to anything that involves taking care of our physical body so that we can achieve optimal functioning and avoid breakdowns or deterioration. You are probably already doing some of the activities that fall into this category; things like getting enough sleep, exercising, eating healthy meals and snacks. Even going in for your regular check-ups at the doctor, dentist, eye doctor, or therapist counts as physical self-care!
Professional
- These are self-care activities aimed at managing or preventing work-related stress. Professional self-care might include practicing time management skills, taking breaks throughout the workday as needed, seeking out social support and mentorship from supervisors and coworkers, engaging in professional development, and purposefully creating a work-life balance. My guess is that many of you never considered that these practices qualify as self-care! I know I didn’t. Yet, shifting our mindset to a more holistic view of self-care helps us to see that we actually can do it without feeling guilty!
Relational
- These are self-care activities aimed at maintaining and enhancing our interpersonal connections with others. Yes, spending time with our friends and family is necessary and good for us. Social support has long been shown to help alleviate stress and enhance well-being. Relational self-care might include a girls’ night out with your best friends, a date night with your spouse, a weekend trip to see your family.
Emotional
- These are self-care practices aimed at addressing negative emotional experiences or creating and enhancing positive emotional experiences. Emotional self-care practices include replacing any destructive ways of coping with more positive coping strategies. For instance, instead of ruminating on a stressful situation identify an activity that can interrupt that rumination and provide some peace or comfort. Other practices that fall into the emotional bucket include meditation, yoga, and simply seeking out people, places, activities that bring you joy.
Psychological
- These self-care activities are aimed at satisfying our intellectual needs and gaining increased self-awareness. Psychological self-care might include listening to your favorite music, reading poetry, having thoughtful conversations, solving puzzles, daydreaming, and just being curious about yourself and the world around you.
Spiritual
These self-care activities create space for us to reflect on our own inner needs and our place within the world and universe. For some, spiritual self-care will be rooted in their faith. For others, it will be entirely secular. Spiritual self-care practices might include prayer, attending church, reading scripture, singing, spending time with your church community, meditation, taking a walk through the woods, noticing the intricacies of nature, being awed by the sunset, and star gazing.
Can you see how many of these activities are already included in your daily life? If they’re not, most of them can easily be added. Now ask yourself what are you currently doing in each of these six domains? Are there any buckets that need to be filled more? Are there any buckets that are too full?
Steps 2-4: Remove barriers, Track your progress, Get support
Steps 2-4 involve cultivating your new self-care activities. First, you will want to identify and remove any barriers that might hold you back from implementing the new practices that you want to incorporate into your daily life. Maybe you need to find the time, maybe you need to shift your mindset, maybe you just need to make things easier for yourself. For example, if you want to start taking your vitamins on a daily basis but always seem to forget, sit them out on the counter so that you see them every time you brush your teeth. Next, you’ll want to track your progress. Take note of which self-care practices you add to your routine. Maybe even schedule a self-care reevaluation in 6 months or a year. Finally, get yourself a support team who will keep you accountable and encourage you to continue taking care of yourself. As the opening quote states “self-care is giving the world the best of you, instead of what’s left of you.”
One final piece of advice as you embark on a guilt-free self-care journey is to start small. Baby steps are still steps in the right direction. Don’t try to overhaul your self-care routines in one night. If you do, you run the risk of not sticking to any of them, getting overwhelmed by trying to do it all, or beating yourself up because you’re not doing it right. Remember, it’s a lifestyle change not an overnight fix!
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If you’re interested in creating a work-life balance characterized by simplicity, joy, and beauty, why don’t you start by checking out my Elegant Balance Workbook? In it, I help you define what work-life balance looks like for you and share some tips on creating that balance. I’ve said it before, and I’ll keep saying it – Balance doesn’t happen by accident.
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We spend a great deal of time at work. Like Annie Dillard once said, “How we spend our days is how we spend our lives.” I encourage you to look around your office and see what steps you can take to add simple luxuries to your workday because in the grand scheme of things, they will add up and lead to a luxurious life!